Ever since I switched my service from DSL to cable internet, I’ve been browsing the news sites more. I’m not quite sure why, though it might have something to do with the fact that the splash page for my webmail comes replete with a bunch of different widgets that are designed to be eye-catching and attention-grabbing. I’m not a news person, really. I could care less about who’s fucking what state (or province) over in which way. I really don’t care who J-Lo’s dating this week. And I could give a rat’s ass about cutesy animal videos.
But my new ISP is so evil that I’ve spent my entire morning watching videos about two-headed Sri Lankan pythons, 40-pound cats and service animals who have learned how to use ATMs.
Of course, there were other headlines that caught my eye after I managed to pry myself away from the never-ending animal clips. Here’s a few of them, and my opinions on the articles/videos that follow.
Paul Shirley Slams Haiti – Apparently, some former NBA player who signed on with ESPN has an opinion about how Haiti might have possibly ended up so devastated in the aftermath of the giant fucking earthquake that pretty much destroyed their infrastructure. Is it a valid opinion? Sure, it’s valid. Whether you agree with him or not — and I’m not saying I do. I really don’t — it’s valid in the same way that people think if you have extra to give, you should donate to the relief funds. Is Shirley’s view a popular one? Oh hell no. I’m surprised no one’s whipped out the hammer and nails and tacked him up to a cross somewhere. Oh wait. They did.
Leno Tells Mommy on Kimmel – Attempting to repair his public face in the aftermath of the Late Night Wars, Leno went on an audience-less Oprah Winfrey Show and answered the Big O’s questions about his role in the timeslot-and-host conflict with Conan O’Brien, and how he feels about the whole “ordeal”. I managed to catch a couple of clips while the husband was watching it online, and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes and sigh. Leno feels “suckerpunched” by the whole Kimmel appearance during the “10 @ 10” segment of Leno’s show? C’mon, Jay. You’re not a goddamn victim here. And Kimmel? I like you, bud, but ranting in your monologue about how Leno’s a tattletale? For fuck’s sake. You’re not two. Get over yourself, and get over Jay Leno. It’s getting old.
Da Vinci’s Exhumation – Italian scientists are attempting to get permission to exhume da Vinci’s body from the tomb reputed to be his. They believe that the Mona Lisa may in fact be the great master himself, and that a virtual and then physical reconstruction of his face may prove this decisively one way or the other. They also want to get samples for DNA testing, even though there are no known da Vinci descendants they could test against, nor are there known tombs of da Vinci’s relatives from which they could likewise obtain genetic samples. No, they think that they could possibly get DNA from long-dried saliva where they think da Vinci may have smudged paint with his thumb and spit. Am I the only one who thinks that disturbing a long-buried grave in the offchance that maybe the occupant spit on something four hundred years ago is a bad idea? Christ. Let the dead be dead. And leave Mona Lisa alone: no one really cares why she’s smiling.
Twins With Different Fathers – It’s like something from a soap opera: unbelievable and melodramatic. Despite all this, it’s true that the man with twin sons only fathered one of them, according to paternity tests. And though highly, highly uncommon in humans, producing two ova in one menstrual cycle does happen. Apparently, so does cheating on someone you were forced to marry. And so does divorce when the partner finds out one of the kids isn’t theirs. After weighing all the players in this little melodrama, I’ve concluded that the true asshole in this story is the husband: after discerning that only one of the twins was his, he disowned the other, who ended up in foster care. The mother? Death threats from her in-laws. Doncha love the Middle East?